


I am proud

by DidiNyx



Series: 2018 Lams Fics [7]
Category: American Revolution RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dialogue Heavy, Extended Metaphors, Flirting, Flowers, Fluff and Angst, Historical References, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, Lams - Freeform, Literary References & Allusions, M/M, Poetic, Prompt Fic, Religious Conflict, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Short & Sweet, Suicide Attempt, alex is loving ok, i forgot how sappy this was, impulsive john, this has been in my drafts for awhile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-16 21:18:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15446064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DidiNyx/pseuds/DidiNyx
Summary: Proud. Who would be proud?John shivered. The words were all too familiar. He couldn’t make father proud. Mother would say she’s proud, but what if not truly satisfied, up in Heaven? John screwed his eyes shut, hand over his racing heart.Heaven. Please, God, tell me there is no hate in Heaven.





	I am proud

**Author's Note:**

> Based on both of these lovely fanfics: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13843821 and https://archiveofourown.org/works/14030658/chapters/32315595
> 
> Was going to post later but I'm reaaally want to post something so

I.

The sun beamed ahead in the crystal clear sky, adding a sense of wonder and bright lure to the meadow, heavily populated with hundreds- perhaps _thousands_ \- of flowers. They stretched high as if reaching to be part of the sky themselves, and the scenery was one in which John had engraved in his mind, for his mother’s garden was very much as lively as the one he longingly took in.

It had been so long since he’d seen mother last, and he could still see her smile. He’d drown all these flowers and black out the sun in a heartbeat just to see her smile again. It was thousands of times brighter than the meadow could ever be, and every inch reminded him of her.

He smiled suddenly. There was someone he knew that was also just as bright- perhaps even more. And speaking of which…

“John!” a familiar voice shouted enthusiastically. John turned, already grinning. Alexander had arrived.

Alex’s small frame sprinted up to John with such ease and confidence, that smirk that captivated John since the moment they met setting fireworks off in his stomach. He gracefully halted to a stop beside John, eyes scanning the latter up and down as John blushed, self-conscious. “Hey,” he said, tucking a strand of ginger hair behind his ear.

“Hey,” John replied softly, still in admiration.

Alex only grinned more. “See you’ve been basking all by yourself, probably thinking whatever deep revelations that may cross your intuitive mind.” He spun around child-like to the opposite side of John and jumped up comically. "What's up?"

John rolled his eyes. “I should like to hear what you think about,” he said, ignoring Alex's interrogation.

“Mmm,” Alex replied, raising a suggestive eyebrow- though John didn’t entirely get his allusion.

“In a good mood?” John asked. Alex wasn’t necessarily the type of person to be so… optimistic. At least not often.

“Well, if you must ask!” Alex said dramatically, “I’ve only the greatest news this week! Wanna hear?” His smile only seemed to stretch wider.

“You came all this way, so go ah-”

“Great!” Alex said rapidly, followed with: “I was going to come over sooner but then I had another letter to transcribe, plus I knew you were kinda busy doin’ whatever it is you were gonna do, but-”

“Alex, slow down. Your accent is much stronger now.” John said with a chuckle.

Alex blushed. “It’s a New York thing. Anyway, basically, I was going to say… We were both promoted!”

John blinked, gaping. “No.”

“Yes!” Alex laughed. He swung his arms around John’s shoulders and lifted John up from his sitting position, in spite of the obvious height (and weight) difference. “I don’t know how we convinced Washington after all those events, but we did it.”

John smiled, holding Alex by the lower back. “I’m proud of us.”

“Us?” Alex questioned, raising his eyebrow again and smirking as if he knew something John didn’t. “Darling, it was barely a team effort. I’m proud of _you_.”

John frowned, automatically grabbing Alex’s hands gently. “I don’t think I understand.”

Alex rolled his eyes goodnaturedly. “Please, I’ve been on thin ice for, like, a _month_. Then you come in and make this job easier. Thanks to you I’m not going insane with annoyance or killing someone, or something.”

John huffed, though his smile returned. “I don’t think I could’ve done it without you.”

Something different flashed in Alex’s eyes- hope, respect even. His eyes shyly looked down before meeting John’s eyes once more with revived certainty. “That’s why we’re such a good team. My ride or die. Partner and crime.”

John blushed again. “That was so cheesy. You can do better.”

“Oh?” Alex pulled John’s arms around him, closer so there chests were together. John gulped as Alex lifted his head up, expression triumphant. “Would you rather me make an ode, or a ballad of our success? I can make the _Iliad_ much more interesting.”

“I don’t doubt that,” John said, somehow finding the words to speak. “But I doubt history will take this success as… well, as glorious as the Trojan War.”

Alex pouted halfheartedly. “You’re not fun. We’re _twice_ as cool as that, I’m sure.” John laughed, but Alex continued his argument: “History will see us heroes, fighting side by side together. They’ll be jealous.”

“Mmm.”

Alex suddenly pulled away from John, and before John could process anything Alex turned, saying “I know you don’t believe me now…” He faced John once more, a single flower in his hand. “But we’re gonna be legends.” He placed the flower in John’s hair, stroking the strands that fell out of his ponytail. John couldn’t tell if he was trying to be alluring or teasing, but it had its effect.

Alex winked, charm so effortless. “We’ll make ‘em proud.”

John’s smile faded. “Proud. Who would be proud…” He didn’t realize how truly sad the words were until he replayed them in his mind as Alex watched him, confused and curious. Searching for another sign.

John shook his head quickly. “I, uh, should make my way back.”

Alex took awhile to respond. “Yes, yes, of course.” He nodded cautiously.

John walked away, cheeks burning with regret.

* * *

II.

_Proud. Who would be proud?_

John shivered. The words were all too familiar. He couldn’t make father proud. Mother would say she’s proud, but what if not truly satisfied, up in Heaven? John screwed his eyes shut, hand over his racing heart.

_Heaven. Please, God, tell me there is no hate in Heaven._

The emotions took over before any rationale. Typical, honestly. John: so impulsive, so emotional. So quick to blame himself. Nothing to be truly proud of.

Sometimes he hoped. But that hurt most of all, especially when you see your palaces of freedom suddenly crumbling, your fear drowning the sounds of anything encouraging. Your world becomes deaf, and momentarily you just want everything to just end. You seek pain, you seek a way to get out that anger… Even the flowers no longer seem youthful. They are suddenly bleak. Broken. Faded.

John’s pace quickened. He was far from the meadow now, in the forest. Sunset was just ending, and soon the world would be asleep. Perhaps it’ll have mercy then.

He jumped over branches and twigs, skipped across a river, and finally climbed the highest tree that was so familiar to him. A place he could seek refuge in whenever he could. Once he had brought Alex with him… in fact, Alex had found it. He was also the first to climb it. John placed his hand exactly where Alex had first touched it, right in the center. _I kind of want to reach the top…_ He had said.

_I believe in you, Alex. Even though you are rather small…_

_Oh, you shut up._

That daring look. That playful smirk. That agility when climbing the tree.

Just…  _Alexander._

He could live for Alexander. But why, _why_ must everything be so dark? So unsatisfying? So confusing, so wrong, so ruthless…

Why couldn’t he just be proud?

_Proud, proud…_

Could he make them proud?

John’s eyes slowly opened, surveying the violet sky. The clouds in the distance. If he just _jumped_ , did it matter if they _weren’t_ proud… He looked down, wanting to at least see the ground in which could possibly be his deathbed. Then he gasped, surveying a new view. He was suddenly breathless with shock and confusion, for on the ground- quite a few dangerous feet below- were flowers. Dozens of them, of all colors. They were arranged purposely to spell out three simple but forgiving words of pure acceptance:

_I am proud._

John’s pulse quickened. He felt dizzy, like he would fall- but on accident this time. Tears stung his eyes, and though he had just wanted to end everything he felt… Alive. Forgiven. Trusted. Maybe even loved.

_Alexander. Alexander said he was proud._

John sobbed. How could Alex be so loving towards someone who truly didn’t deserve his affections? _How idiotic I am._ John climbed down carefully, now determined to make it safely to the ground, to inspect the flowers. He went down on his knees, gently stroking the many wonders as if about to send a prayer. They were beautiful, God, they were so beautiful.

John paused, remembering. He felt for the golden flower still in his hair, the one Alex gave him, and laughed. _Damn, just… damn. He meant it._

Legends. Alex said they’d be legends.

 _Legends never died._ Alex had insisted

The sound of footsteps caught John’s attention, though he was still in a dreamlike trance. He looked up to see-

_Heaven._

He raced to Alexander, arms wrapping tightly around his friend’s body as Alex nearly stumbled under the pressure. “Oh, John, why- I don’t- how-”

John was sobbing now, nuzzling Alex’s shoulder.

Alex rubbed John’s back soothingly. “Shh, shh. I’m here. I’m here…”

Their eyes were closed. Taking in the bliss of just being with each other, surrounded by all those damned, sweet flowers. John let go, wanting to catch Alex’s expression. Concerned still, of course, but his dark eyes still reflected love. And _hope_. 

Alex smiled, caressing John’s neck. “I’m so, so, _so_ proud of you. You are so beautiful, so talented, so smart, and kind-hearted, and brave, and strong, and-” as John let out a shaky laugh Alex continued, voice cracking: “I-I love you, John. Please. Believe me.”

“I do,” John said. “I really do.” He pulled Alex’s hips to his own, and he could’ve swore Alex shivered with the contact. Nevertheless, Alex said, “We are going to be damn legends, you hear? The world has to know your name. They’ll be proud too.”

John smiled, hand slipping up Alex’s back. “I don’t need the world.” He whispered in Alex’s ear: “I just need you.”

Alex sighed softly, leaning into John, hands still on his neck. “So cheesy… you can do better,” he said teasingly, copying John’s words.

“I know.” So John tilted Alex’s head up and kissed him, slow and deep.

Oh. So I guess there was satisfaction in this world.

Alex was a blushing, stuttering mess. “I love you..." As if John didn't know already.

John laughed, still holding his dear friend. “I love you too...I-”

Alex was too busy connecting their lips again. Compared to this, those flowers were thoughtful, but _nothing_. After all those trials, John could say he was at least proud of the way his soul intertwined with Alex's effortlessly, as if they were one with their own garden of shared sorrows- and triumphs. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was originall going to be part of some prompt fanfic but I have so much in the making generally that I don't feel like writing all the other prompts. So have this relatively short story based on the simple prompt of flowers.
> 
> (I'm having Hamlet flashbacks help)
> 
> queennyxie.tumblr.com Come scream at me if you want xoxo


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